Returning to my 9 to 5 from maternity leave
I had a rough re-entry to my office job after maternity leave. I'm processing how I can manage it myself and make it easier for other working moms.
Last week I returned to work from maternity leave. (Which inspired this elaborate comic)
That also meant dropping my infant off at daycare for the first time. I cried all the way there and all the way home. I knew he’d be fine, and I love the caretakers at his daycare, but it still felt like the end of a precious time together. I am one of the luckier ones in this backwards country who could piece together more than a few weeks of leave but it still felt too short and I still felt guilty about not being at work. Now I’m returning while my little ones continue to wake up 2-3x each night.
If what I’m about to share hadn’t just happened to me, I would find the absurdity funny. But it just happened and it hasn’t become funny (yet?) …
I’ll focus on one indignity in particular.
Before returning, I researched the lactation room where I work, signed in and reserved times on the calendar they provide. I read that I needed approval from public safety that could take 4 days to go through. I didn’t have 4 days to wait to pump at work so the morning I returned, I went to Public Safety (I work at a college) and asked for help accessing the lactation room. Because I work at a college it’s pretty quiet in the summers and I’m pretty confident there is no one else currently trying to use this room.
Here’s the glamorous/windowless bunker to pump:
Left: The windowless underground bunker that was harder to get into than City Hall. After 10 minutes of waiting for someone they told me would let me in, I realized no one was coming.
Right: The lactation room serves one singular purpose and the teensy tiny table provided JUST BARELY holds the pump parts. Why oh why wouldn't they put a reasonably sized table in here? I look forward to spilling milk in there some day soon.
I was told the sole person in charge of making the access cards for the room was not there so I was told l to call security to be let in when I needed to pump (at the 30 minute slot I had reserved online). This worked once, but when I called for my second session, no one came to meet me. I went to the security office and had to spend 45 minutes talking to about 10 different strangers about accessing the room. I had packed up ice and my thermos and my pump and all the parts, and a marker, and made sure to wear a dress and a bra that would work, and I thought I’d done all I could to prepare. I’m patient with rules and I can generally navigate bureaucracy if people whose jobs it is to enforce those rules are willing to help me.
So there I am, standing in the public safety office, holding my pump and feeling more and more urgent about my need to use the room, while people told me over and over that I needed approval from various offices and that it would take multiple days. When it comes to making milk to feed your child there’s no option to wait. After the 4th person told me about the various rules for accessing this empty little bunker, I just looked helplessly at them and kept repeating, “well look, I need to pump now.” There was an available designated room for this and I would just stay there until someone let me in. This was not optional, if they wanted me to start leaking on their floor so-be-it.
When I finally was allowed to get an access card, a man I’d never met was the one telling me exactly what two 30-minute increments I’d be pumping at each day. By the time I got into the room, I was so stressed out and so late that I had to frantically rush, (producing less than I’d hoped), and then bolt out of the building to get to daycare pickup. After hauling all my gear on the subway in 95 degree heat, hoping my milk was staying cold, I was still late to pick up and luckily my husband had gotten both my sons from their respective daycares.
I’m an oversharer (have you noticed?) but one thing I’m learning is that workplaces, even at a non-profit serving primarily marginalized communities, are not built for moms. And when it comes to navigating some kind of co-existence between my job and my mom-life, there are certain ways I need to advocate for myself and protect myself.
So, I’ve put together a list of a few ways women can advocate for themselves in the workplace. You can go to the adjacent blog post to download a worksheet-version of my tips (with space for you to add notes) or you can keep reading right here:
1. Keep your perspective and be clear on your priorities
3 months in your baby’s life is much more significant than 3 months at work. Take the leave that you are entitled to, don’t apologize, and relish your new role. Don’t check your email or do other “light” work while you’re on leave. It sets a bad precedent and means you’re doing everything a little bit worse.
2. Maintain boundaries Don’t over explain to your supervisor.
They don’t need to know your child’s health status, you don’t need sympathy that might turn into resentment. Just deliver the information that needs to be delivered. This is probably the hardest thing for me to do. I want to share my life with the people I spend 8 hours a day with, but that doesn’t always serve me and at times I feel it can like the access I grant people with other priorities can backfire.
3. Know your rights / talk to your union / find other moms!
If you’re in a union, talk to your reps, find out everything you can about your rights, benefits, and options as a new mom. Is there flexibility with remote work? Do you have paid and unpaid leave options? What are the accommodations for illness, breastfeeding, and children in the workplace? Whether or not you are in a union, find other moms in your industry or business. Ask them all the questions: How have they handled their different roles? What should I do about X,Y, Z? How did you handle _____? Is there a resource for _________? Gather advice and think creatively about how you can do your best work while being the mom you want to be.
4. Plan ahead but feign ignorance when met with insane policies. Find out early when childcare is closed, plan your vacation days, let your supervisor know early, accept that there will be emergencies, have contingency plans. And also… you can’t plan everything!
Sometimes, you’re met with incompetence or roadblocks that you can’t anticipate. Try your best to get humane treatment by showing people that you’re human. “I don’t know what went wrong with the approval but either way I need to pump.” You’re signaling that they can be on your side or they can choose to hinder a mom who is trying her best.
5. Keep the big picture in mind and strategize Keep in mind your trajectory at your job.
Do you want to be at this job in 5 or 10 years? What do you want for your future now that you have dependent(s)? Be brave and think about where you want to go and how it would empower your family. Be intentional about what you bring home with you - physically and emotionally. I have spent a lot of time dwelling on things beyond my control, or worrying about people who definitely aren’t worrying about me. You and your family are your priority outside of work hours so try to leave it at the door and pick it up the next day. Don’t give the company your personal time and energy.
